It amazes me how I often find myself surrounded by hundreds of people, yet this pervasive feeling of loneliness consumes me. Even more strange is that historically social interaction was never an issue for me, yet now I find myself alone. All the time.
I reflect on this so often, wondering what happened to all the friends I grew up with, the coworkers I bonded with, the woman I loved. How did they all disappear from my life? I recognize that lots of people my age often fall out of rhythm with their normal crowd after high school, however the loneliness I feel is like a disease.
I no longer have the capacity to thrust myself into social situations. No matter how desperately I want to reach out it feels like an overwhelming presence is choking me when I try to speak. Because of this I have perpetuated a cycle of anger and misery via hiding out in my room. If my schedule allows, I often find myself hiding out for days at a time.
This loneliness I feel is a falsity as it clashes with a deep-rooted feeling of entitlement. I can recognize this feeling, in fact I despise it, yet it persists. Small thoughts of feeling as if people should flock to me, are a daily occurrence. Something in my lizard brain thinks that I deserve companionship despite doing nothing to earn it. Actually, I’ve done the opposite.
After struggles with my mental health and other emotional/personality problems I can recognize that this loneliness is by my own design. I pushed my friends away. I refuse to let my co-workers get close to me. I ruined my four-year relationship. Despite recognizing this, I still have this feeling of entitlement. Why should someone who actively ruins all of their relationships be entitled to admiration from others? Perhaps it’s best that I suffer alone. It seems that my companionship is a curse to everyone that receives it. But how can I find the motivation to pursue my goals or even get up in the morning when I know for a fact that I’m a walking bad luck charm?
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