Prelude: Before reading this piece, I would like to give it a little context. This was my attempt at writing a post-modernist short story for my prose stylistics class. Needless to say, I missed the mark, but I still thought it was fun and stupid enough to post and act as a fun read. It’s also a part of me transitioning out of writing the most depressing things humanly imaginable. So please enjoy this stress-free, silly story that I wrote in an hour.
The sound of the drop pod door opening caused me to jump; I had been waiting in line for so long I momentarily forgot why I was there in the first place. I stepped cautiously into the single person drop pod, placing my hands on the walls for balance. As soon as the pod registered my weight, the door slid closed at an incredible speed, certainly fast enough to cut off any limbs I could have left poking out of the cabin. Thankfully I tucked my tail, thorax, arms, hyphandreere, and globsthrlorln into the cabin quickly as I had a fear of getting them caught in moving parts. As soon as the cabin door closed, an instructional video began playing on the small monitor placed mere inches from my face. A Chlorcian appeared on the screen wearing a custom-tailored suit and his phoniest smile.
Happy Schlorsday citizen! Thank you for choosing H-hunt as your means of survival and luxury! Here at H-hunt we have only one mission, to satiate our customers to their multi-chambered hearts content while sustaining the human race for further consumption! We will now perform a quick scan to identify your passenger details. One moment please.
The lights of the cabin suddenly shifted to a deep blue, making another sudden, loud noise that startled me once again. A light blue laser projected from the overhead scanner. After a few moments it beeped, turned green, and the scanner retreated into its compartment.
Wonderful! You have been identified as-“ *Echlorcian* ”Echlorcian! Fucking gross! Don’t know how one of you filthy puss covered shitbags afforded this package, but H-hunt is happy to take your credits!
I attempted to throw up a hand to interject but quickly discovered there wasn’t enough room in the cabin to raise my arms above my waist. So, I spoke to the monitor instead. “I paid good money to be here just like everyone else. How dare you—”
This is an automated message created solely for the purpose of not having to hear whatever bitchy comment is leaving your disgusting mouth right now. Now please, sit back, and enjoy the ride as we begin our decent to Earth.
The cabin shifted once again, making a loud screeching noise before ejecting from the ship. I craned my neck in the tiny space to look over at the miniaturized window to my left. I attempted to get a look at Earth but could only see the empty vastness of space and the shrinking image of the ship I just ejected from.
H-Hunt is proud to indoctrinate you into our culture of human breeders! Or as least we would be, if it weren’t for that hideous Yurnhole up in you know where. But regardless, H-hunt is always happy to take your money! Right now, you’re barreling towards Earth, a planet filled with vast mountain ranges, beautiful waterfalls, towering skyscrapers, and incredible wonders still misunderstood by our brightest scientists. But you don’t care about all of that, and why should you? You’re an alien! You came here for the unparalleled dining experience that only humanity can offer. Prepare for an endless course of the galaxies’ finest mammal that can be cooked and prepared in an endless number of ways! With the additional purchase of our ten-piece human cookbook set, you can learn how to prepare these delectable creatures as stir-fry, soup, paninis, fine dining steak, and so much more! Would you like to purchase our ten-piece set, sold exclusively during this short ride to Earth?
The monitor showed a price of 700Cr and a small cubby for me to insert my card popped out and smacked me in the face. I used the last of my credits to get to Earth, so I couldn’t purchase the cookbook package even if I wanted to. Why would anyone spend their money on that anyhow? Aren’t humans small? Don’t you just… pick them up and eat them? Like little squirming grapes, kinda. The monitor didn’t wait long before retracting the cubby and continuing the video.
Can’t afford the package huh? I would expect nothing less from a disgusting half-brain waste of molecules. I mean, just look at your fucking face! One of your eyes is all messed up, it’s disgusting. I’m trying my best not to vomit just looking at you!
I blinked hard, as I had no means of attempting to cover my scared face in such a tiny space. I thought for a moment then spoke to the monitor, “Wait I thought all of this was automated.”
Uh, it is. Anyhow, prepare yourself for a treasure trove of delicacies so tasty that you’ll never want to eat anything else again! Unfortunately, like anything else in the universe, this place has some fun rules in place to assure continued consumption of humans for generations to come.
- The first and most important rule being: do not hunt humans to extinction. Sure, we could collect samples of their genomes and fabricate new humans, however, our top shareholders take issue with this, as fabricated humans would taste nowhere near as good as real humans.
- Rule number two: Do not let human’s rebel. Humans are tenacious and one of the most rebellious groups of mammals in the galaxy. They have warded off multiple alien invasions and will not hesitate if given the chance to rise up. It’s important to take note of this as they look incredibly squishy and weak compared to the average alien. But somehow, they find a way. Humans have been known to arm themselves with projectile weapons made from scrap, along with some subpar armor. However, despite their small stature and cute cuddly frame, these armed humans can be quite dangerous and should be reported to an H-hunt official immediately if spotted. These little human outbursts are why at least two laser turrets, and four security cameras are required in small human farms. Obviously, more are required should you find yourself growing your farm.
- Rule number three: Keep em’ horny! Something primal in humans is constantly driving them to breed, even when subjected to torturous circumstances. Remember, the more they breed, the more you have to eat! Be sure to keep romantic movies always playing on human farms in order to get them and keep them “in the mood”. This should assure an endless supply of humans for generations to come. They breed quite quickly as well. You’ll be surprised just how much work they can do as a species of mammals.
- Rule number four: Never get into conflict with other aliens. Every other alien on Earth paid good credits to be there, just like you. So be sure not to get into any physical confrontations with them, unless you’d like to be paid a visit by our H-hunt security team. They turned our last “problem” into dust via a particle beam. The dust of the offending alien was then rolled into a joint and smoked by our top shareholders, so behave! However, being… what you are… I wouldn’t hold it against the other attendants to slaughter you without a second thought. I know I would.
I repeated the rules in my head, making sure not to forget any of them while also filing away the thought that I needed to stay out of sight, given my race. I turned my head to ask the monitor what I should do if I needed to return to the ship. The monitor cut me off and spouted a response in a different voice that I knew was definitely automated this time.
“Please do not interrupt the instructional video. There will be an opportunity to ask questions upon landing.”
- Rule number five: Grow your human farm! It’s highly encouraged to grow your human farm to the best of your ability as more humans means more tourists! Should your farm become sizable enough, H-hunt is willing to start sending paychecks your way in exchange for those tasty tasty little humans. Even better, attempt to sell your humans to neighboring aliens and recruit them to our cause! That’s right! This whole thing is a pyramid scheme! But it’s too late to back out now! So, unless you can breathe in space, we suggest you cooperate.
- Rule number six-
“You’ve got to be kidding me how many rules are there?” I couldn’t help but ask. Why did I spend my only credits on this.
- Rule number six: Don’t ask how many rules there are.”
- Rule number seven: Earth is considered a resort, so please keep terraforming to a minimum and attempt to maintain and preserve as much of its natural beauty as possible.”
- Rule number eight: Other wildlife found on earth is up for grabs! So long as enough trees stay standing, our human feeding package should have everything you need to keep your happy little humans alive and healthy without the help of Earths many other pesky little creatures.”
For our alien guests with less than average memory capacity, we offer a comprehensive pamphlet with all of our rules for the low low price of- y’know what, your ugly ass couldn’t even afford the cookbook why do I even bother asking. I’m almost inclined to spend my own hard-earned credits on the pamphlet for you so you don’t forget and fuck up any of our rules.
At this point I wasn’t sure what to say. I managed to squeak out a little “uh” before the monitor cut me off and continue to speak.
We are now approaching Earth’s atmosphere. Prepare yourself for either a smooth or bumpy ride depending on which package you selected prior to your departure.
The cabin began to shake as the pod began to enter Earth’s atmosphere. The outside of the pod began to glow orange as it heated up, barreling towards Earths surface. The cabin began to shake harder, and I watched as seemingly important pieces of the pod flew off or burnt completely to a crisp. During the chaos, the monitor turned back on to relay another message.
Should you reach Earth’s surface safely, you are then free to explore Earth at your own leisure while following all of the aforementioned rules. We hope you enjoy your stay on Earth and H-hunt once again thanks you for your patronage.
“I thought we would get the opportunity to ask questions!” I yelled over the roaring noise that swelled within the cabin.
Like I’d want to answer any of your questions, you filthy fucking monster. You make me sick, I’m so glad this call is over.
And with that, the monitor shut off just as the pod crashed into Earths surface with a loud THUD. The front half of the cabin blew off via the expanding of a few compressed air chambers. I climbed out of the cabin and covered my sensitive eyes as I stepped out onto grass for the first time. I found myself in some warm, mountainous region. It was truly gorgeous.
Suddenly, I heard a whimper from behind me, and I quickly turned to see three small, hooded figures. Humans. They froze for a moment before throwing their walking sticks at me and attempting to run in the other direction. I barely flinched before easily walking in front of them and crouching down to get a better look. They were so… small. How was I supposed to be satiated by something so small? I guess I would have to breed a lot of them. I scooped the three of them into one hand, careful not to crush their delicate bodies. They let out their mightiest screams as I de-robed them to assure myself of their gender. Two men and one woman. Perfect. I plucked one of the men out of the small group and promptly placed him in my mouth. The first couple bites sort of snapped and crackled in my mouth. Then after a few seconds of chewing a sort of delicate paste wormed its way down my throat. I ignored the screams of the other two humans as I pondered over the taste for a moment. Humans were kind of… tart.
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