Viktor jokingly stuck his hand out in front of the automatic grocery store doors. He nonchalantly gestured his hand to the side, pretending he was using the force to open the door. He actually did it a few times before an older woman walked past him, making a perplexed face. Viktor smiled at her, playing off his silly behavior as he entered the store for real. Milk. Sugar. Canned peaches. He strode through the store with confidence while looking forward to pleasing his mother with his impressive skill of remembering three whole things to grab.
Viktor walked past the cart depot, taking notice of two laughing people about his age. One of them was a man, tall and well-kept. He was wearing a casual outfit consisting of cargo pants and a flannel thrown over the top of a black T-shirt. His facial features were sharp, and he was objectively VERY handsome. There was no denying that fact, straight or not. The person laughing with him was a woman. She was a few inches shorter than him, even with a pair of heels on. Her hair was incredibly long, settling around her waist. She was wearing a sundress which complimented her petite form. The man and her locked eyes as their laughing turned into a quick smooch. They were a couple and a cute couple at that.
The sight of a happy couple can have all kinds of effects on people. Some are overjoyed at the prospect of young lovers. Others are filled with jealousy, upset with their current situation. Viktor’s smile faded as he suddenly felt… isolated. Despite being surrounded by a jungle of eager shoppers, gathering ingredients to feed their families, or snacks to entertain guests at a party, Viktor felt void of all purpose. After staring a little longer Viktor took a step back in horror as the woman’s face began to morph into the face of his ex-girlfriend.
Taking another step back, Viktor nearly fell over. After stumbling for a few moments, he reared his head up and, to his surprise, Ranae, his ex, stared at him, arms crossed, with a sad look on her face. “I just don’t feel appreciated, and I feel like you’re not taking your situation seriously. So, in an effort to force you to take better care of yourself, I’m going to need my key back,” Renae said with a pained expression as she reached out one of her hands. Viktor felt every muscle in his body tighten as panic and fear all came flooding out of him in the form of a stream of uncontrollable tears. Ranae said nothing, not wanting to make the situation worse as Viktor shakily attempted to remove her apartment key from his key ring. Every second spent fumbling with his keyring, memory after memory of their relationship flashed through his head.
“Take my picture with it!” Renae’s smile was brimming with pure, unadulterated joy. It was intoxicating. She stood tall in front of the entrance to the Mall of America. I snapped off a few photos with my phone before she ran over and began to drag me towards the entrance. “C’mon! Theres a whole theme park there. Oh! And we have to hit up every coffee place in there! We’ll go to the aquarium first then hit up as many stores as we can before our legs start to hurt!” Viktor followed with an equally large smile on his face. The sight of his girlfriend so happy made his heart skip a beat. That was truly all he ever wanted.
“This part is pretty tight, you go first.” Renae whispered, giving Viktor a light push from behind while still clinging onto his arm. We walked slowly through the horror attraction Forest of the Freaks. Despite having gone well over five times, Renae was insistent on returning each year. She loved getting dressed up and walking through a pitch-black forest, huddled close to Viktor. He didn’t really understand the appeal of going more than once, but the look on her face made each returning visit worth it.
“We both needed this,” Renae said calmly as she floated slowly down the lazy river, hand clasped with Viktors. Their visits to the waterpark were Viktors favorite. A full day of relaxing away from home with the love of his life. He couldn’t think of a better way to spend a weekend.
Through a waterfall of tears, Viktor managed to return the key and place it in the hands of the love of his life.
“I… I need to use the restroom,” Viktor stammered, already walking towards the bathroom. He quickly shut himself inside and locked the door before slumping to the floor. As if he were possessed by the demon that terrorized his thoughts, he began hitting himself in the head, harder with each passing strike. Ranae very quickly took notice of this and ran over to the bathroom door, first trying the handle before slamming on the door. “Open the fucking door Viktor!” She yelled with love and concern, “We can get through this! Don’t do anything stupid!” Viktor, whose codependency was so strong he was often unable to act for himself, obliged and unlocked the door. Ranae burst through the door and looked down at the love of her life, concerned, horrified, and heartbroken. Viktor stared into the eyes of the only person he could confide in as she began to morph back into the girl from the grocery store, and she was standing really REALLY close. “Excuse us, you’re blocking the chips,” she said kindly, while lovingly leaning on her boyfriend.
“Uh yeah sorry,” Viktor said, shaking off any remaining memory residue as he forced himself to carry on to the dairy aisle. As he walked away, he felt vulnerable, as if everyone had just seen the nightmarish memory that played out in his head. He kept his head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone whilst navigating to the first item on his short list.
The icy doors containing the vault of delectable dairy delights loomed over Viktor. Despite being nearly six feet tall, the doors always appeared larger and larger each time he would stop in to get milk. Without much thought, he grabbed the handle of the door in front of him. An icy wave of bone-chilling air seeped out of the cooler, hitting his face and causing his eyes to tear up. He tried to blink to restore his vision, but when he opened his eyes again, he was no longer in the grocery store. An icy landscape lay before him, causing a feeling of panic upon realizing where he was. He stared at the giant text LaSalle Montreal College inscribed on the side of a massive brick building. Oh god no. He thought, horrified.
“Look at my boy, all ready for college.” Viktors mom hugged him tightly in his newly acquired dorm room. Viktor glanced around at all the stacked boxes with excitement. He couldn’t wait to unpack and make this place truly his own. “Yeah, I love you mom. Now have fun on your guys drive back. I’ve got man stuff to do.” Viktor joked, subtly hinting at wanting his parents to leave. His parents chuckled sadly before giving him a hug and closing the door behind them. Leaving Viktor alone. In a strange place. Hours away from home. Without a car. Without an escape. Without any friends. Without his girlfriend.
He glanced down, noticing two shadowy figures that resembled his parents. The figures began to disperse and floated away, causing a feeling of panic to build up in his throat. Don’t leave me.
The sound of Lorde echoed through the dorm halls as Viktor cranked up the volume on his speaker. He locked the door to his room and fell to the ground. His ritual was all set up. Before him was a box of tissues, a bottle of peroxide, a fresh box of band-aids, a snack, of course, and a pair of scissors his mom had given him for school purposes. Viktor finally allowed his emotions to overtake him. His shoulders began to shake as he started to cry. It didn’t take long before his crying turned to wailing. After a few moments he began to worry about whether his neighbors could hear him over the music, so he increased the volume a little more before grabbing the pair of scissors in front of him. The placement of the cuts didn’t matter. Some days he cut his wrists. Some days his calf, his thigh, or his stomach. It didn’t matter. The pain was the only way to silence the voice in his head. The pain allowed the torturous activity of his brain to take the night off.
Viktor stared down at the icy ground, consumed by his experience of loneliness. He thought about how his experience of self-doubt and isolation turned into depression. How his depression turned into drug abuse. How his drug abuse turned into self-harm. He held out his hands, watching blood stream down his arms, congealing around his fingers. The blood began to freeze, encasing his arms in a block of red ice. The ice continued to work its way rapidly up his body, quickly reaching his neck and cutting off his ability to breathe. The ice continued to climb, encapsulating his entire hea-
“Excuse me? Do you mind if I get in there? I mean, unless you wanna hold that jug in the cold all day. Kinda seems like you’re really good at that,” a brunette-haired woman said, tapping Viktor on the shoulder. Suddenly reality came flooding back, placing Viktor back into the grocery store with a very cold hand wrapped around a now lukewarm gallon of milk. “Oh shit,” Viktor said involuntarily, both impressed and horrified by his intense flashback. He awkwardly placed the gallon he was holding back into the fridge and grabbed a different one. He gestured to the brunette-haired woman, “d- don’t take that one,” before awkwardly walking away.
Viktor played the scenario repeatedly in his head as he walked to the other side of the store for a bag of sugar. He knew he was… damaged. Some would say traumatized; however, he had been making good progress, or at least he thought he was. He rubbed his right arm through his long-sleeve shirt as he rounded the corner and headed into the sugar aisle. The aisle was void of human life, reminding him of his late-night walks on campus. The shelves began to disappear as he found himself back on campus, outside in the freezing cold. It was late, like way past any sort of acceptable curfew. He walked aimlessly for nearly an hour before he found himself at the foot of the campus clock tower. He craned his neck staring straight upwards at the top floor of the clock tower. That was where his weekly therapy sessions took place. Unfortunately for him, they weren’t open at 1 am. Sure there were emergency numbers he could call, but why bother? These existential walks had become a normal thing for Viktor, and with each one he found himself drained of more and more hope of ever getting better.
On this particular night, he walked to the science building. The side of the building had a large stack of bricks and other building supplies for a project that had been happening over the course of the semester. Fortunately for Viktor, they were stacked in a practically perfect staircase to the roof of the one-story building. He climbed the stack and walked to the edge of the roof. He allowed his toes to hang over the edge as he stared out at the campus. Things were so quiet at this time of night. So peaceful.
Viktor had been outside so long that the cold had begun to feel comforting. Without really knowing why, he removed his winter gear. First, he removed his hat and looked longingly at it before tossing it off the roof. He slowly did the same with his scarf, gloves, and eventually his jacket. He now had little protection from the cold, but all Viktor could think of was the cold wrapping him in its heavenly embrace. The cold could purge the evil from his body, and eventually his mind. With enough time it could end his suffering. Suddenly a bright light shone up at Viktor from the ground below. He raised his arms to cover his eyes, then slowly lowered them as he adjusted to the light. The light was coming from the flashlight of a police officer, “what the hell are you doing up there? Aren’t you cold?” he took notice of Viktor’s winter clothing scattered on the ground below him, “did those hooligans strand you up there? There’s a pack of no-good kids that cause tons of chaos at this hour. They even took all your clothes; they could have killed you! There’s a stack of bricks over here, I’ll help you get down.”
Minutes later, the officer had walked Viktor back to his dorm without a single word spoken between them. The officer scanned his keycard to allow Viktor inside before patting him on the back, “get warm kid, don’t worry. I’ll get the people responsible for this. Have a good night.” With that, he left. No follow-up questions. No inquiry as to why Viktor didn’t speak a single word or attempt to get down from the roof. I guess people just believe what they want. Viktor thought, as a bag of sugar hit him in the chest.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry! These kids are hooligans. Kyle, Thomas! Apologize to this young man,” an exhausted father said, trying to make up for the rudeness of his children. Viktor turned around and only saw the back of the kids’ heads as they giggled, knocked over another large bag of sugar, and sprinted around the corner into the next aisle. The father simply sighed before grabbing his shopping cart and running after them.
Viktor lightly slapped his cheeks to reorient himself back to reality. He looked up and down the aisle, searching for the perfect bag. As he searched, he imagined buying every bag on the shelf. He pictured himself loading all the sugar into his car and driving to his own little bakery. It would be called Medicinal Munchies or some name that’s probably much better. He envisioned himself entering with two sacks of sugar under each of his arms, setting off the bell above the door.
“Welcome back kiddo,” Viktor’s father smiled and waved him behind the counter, “Thanks for picking up the sugar.” Viktor hugged his father and happily slapped his bags onto the counter. He then spent the next hour crafting a perfect tray of cookies, enjoying the relaxing steps of creating something delicious. Then just before he placed them into the oven, he pulled out a massive bottle of anti-depressants and began placing one pill onto each individual cookie. Viktor had always hated the stigma of taking pills. This way he could transform them into something that could be enjoyed by everyone, free of judgment. “Sweetie did you grab that can of peaches I asked for?” His mother asked, smiling ear to ear as she emerged from the back of the bakery. Right. Only three things. Viktor grabbed the first bag of sugar his non-glazed-over eyes landed on and immediately began heading over to the canned goods aisle.
Fearful of another episode, Viktor walked cautiously into the canned goods aisle, once again looking like a buffoon in a public setting. He crept down the aisle before he spotted the canned peaches. Each encroaching step made him nervous as he walked toward the last item on his list. He tucked the bag of sugar under the arm holding the gallon of milk, and with his free hand, he slowly reached towards the peaches, anticipating the worst. To his surprise, he was able to grab the can without any issue. No flashbacks or reliving of traumatic events. He even actively thought about his time spent in in-patient care. A true, real-life nut house that certainly messed him up for life. But to his surprise, nothing came. He found himself suddenly exhausted. The amount of effort he put in on any given day never really resulted in him feeling better. Despite that, he was more able to recognize his effort as signs of progress. Each day was an uphill battle for Viktor, but he wouldn’t let the cold hands of death get the better of him. He was too stubborn. With one last nervous glance around, Viktor began to make his way to the checkout, feeling much… different than when he first entered the store. At least he remembered the three items on his list.
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