Depression is a battle. No, it’s a war. A never-ending war that will continuously chip away at my well-being for as long as I live. Like any war, fighting is tiring, it’s painstakingly difficult. It requires sacrifice. It causes pain. It causes damage to those around you. When the fight extends beyond your mind, that’s when others get caught in the crossfire. Horrific things can happen at work, at home, at the hospital, and at school. How can I explain why I’m crying in the bathroom? Why I’m seeking refuge in drugs? Why I cut and bruise myself? How can I look at those I love and tell them that my body and mind are trying their best to kill me? How can I explain this to someone who’s so rational when there is no reason? To someone who’s so emotional when I only want them to feel happy. To someone who loves me unconditionally and wants to help but I refuse to let them in. Without support, all I have is my spirit and my will to fight.
That’s why I’m writing this. Not for pity or to be treated differently; but to open myself up and allow those closest to me to get a little more understanding.
Things will never be the same between myself and my parents, and how could they be? I used to be their little bundle of joy, their whole world. The thing that they would work two jobs for. The thing they would die for. Now all they see is their favorite thing in the world, drowning in a pool of his own despair. I would feel terrible too if I knew my child was going through something similar, especially since I know there’s no cure. There’s no way to make it go away. I know that if losing my fight meant the happiness and betterment of those I love, I would end it in a heartbeat.
But it won’t.
I’m determined to keep fighting, because if I don’t, I’ll cause irreparable damage to those I love. I want to keep fighting for the sake of my small business and grow my writing into something great like I know it can be. I want to keep fighting… because I’m not done living. I have so much more to see, to do. I have so much more love to give and goodness to spread.
So, to my parents, when you see me on my darkest days, I want you to know that that’s my fight. That’s me not giving up. I love you both so much.
Sorry today’s post was depressing, it was just something I needed to get out there and keep out there, so I’m no longer alone in the dark.
As always, I really hope you enjoyed reading this week’s post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read what I have to say.
Leave a Reply